EverydayBre

Part 1: the Abuse I Didn’t Know Was Abuse

If you had asked me during the first year of our relationship if I thought I was being abused, I would have laughed. Because that’s the thing about abusive relationships, most of them don’t start with bruises or fear. They don’t start with mental manipulation. They don’t start with someone threatening your life. They usually start with love, attention, and promises that make you believe you’ve found your forever person.

Mine did too.

For the first year or two, our relationship felt good. Looking back now, I can see small warning signs I didn’t recognize at the time, but nothing that made me think my life would eventually revolve around fear.

Then the arguments started.

At first, they seemed like normal disagreements. Over time, they became more frequent, more intense, and more unpredictable. I found myself constantly trying to prevent the next fight. I walked on eggshells every day, carefully choosing my words, my tone, and even my facial expressions because I never knew what might make him angry.

Eventually, I wasn’t living anymore. I was surviving. Over time, our relationship spiraled into a toxic and unhealthy cycle, leaving me in a constant state of fight or flight. I found myself longing for the man I thought I had met in the beginning and couldn’t stop asking myself what had changed. I spent years wondering what I had done to make him become so angry and hateful, convincing myself that somehow it was my fault. I carried the weight of that blame for years, believing that if I had been better, loved harder, or done things differently, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.

gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question your own memories, perceptions, and reality. Over time, you begin to trust their version of events more than your own. It doesn’t usually happen all at once. It’s subtle. It’s repeated. And before you know it, you’re apologizing for things you didn’t do, questioning memories you know happened, and wondering if you’re the problem.

For me, this was extreme. He took advantage of my weak neurodivergent memory, and the gaslighting looked like constant confusion. I would leave arguments wondering what had just happened. And somehow, every disagreement became my fault.

Even when I knew something had happened a certain way, I found myself questioning my own memory because I had been told so many times that I was “remembering it wrong,” “too emotional,” or “making things up.” Eventually, I stopped trusting myself. I began second-guessing everything—my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions, and even my own reality. Gaslighting didn’t make me forget what happened—it made me stop trusting that what I remembered had actually happened.

That’s exactly what gaslighting does. It doesn’t just make you question a single argument—it makes you question yourself. By the time I left the relationship, I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

It took years of therapy to help me rebuild confidence in my own instincts and realize that my feelings, memories, and experiences were real.

what is a NARCISSIST

Before I started therapy, I thought the word narcissist described someone who loved looking at themselves in the mirror or thought they were better than everyone else.

I had no idea how much more complicated it could be.

While only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), some people display narcissistic traits that can be deeply damaging in relationships.

These traits may include:

• A need for control.
• A lack of empathy for others.
• Constantly shifting blame instead of taking responsibility.
• Manipulating situations to benefit themselves.
• Believing they are always right.
• Using guilt, fear, or shame to control others.
• Becoming angry or defensive when criticized.

Not everyone with these traits has NPD, and not every difficult relationship involves narcissism. For me, it wasn’t about putting a name to the person. It was about finally understanding what had happened to me.

Learning about narcissistic abuse gave me words for experiences I had spent years trying to explain. It helped me understand why I constantly questioned myself, why I was constantly anxious, and why I felt like I was losing my sense of who I was.

Sometimes, having the right words doesn’t change the past—but it can be the first step toward healing.

I’ve spent years researching narcissism and talking through my experiences in therapy, hoping to better understand what I lived through. Learning about narcissistic abuse has helped me make sense of years of confusion, validate my experiences, and learn healthier ways to navigate co-parenting.

conclusion

This was part one of my series How Narcissistic Abuse Changed Me. In the next part, I’ll share what happened after I left—the invisible effects that followed me long after the relationship ended. I’ll talk about living in survival mode, how trauma affected my mind and body, the healing that came through therapy, and how I slowly learned what it feels like to be truly safe again.

Because while narcissistic abuse changed me, it didn’t define me. And no matter how broken you may feel today, healing is possible.

Because life isn’t perfect—but it can still be beautiful.